What better way to celebrate than by writing something that implies I am the first to have ever experienced this turn of events? Come on, let’s inflate our sense of self together.
When living alone, we do some pretty batshit things. The past month has been a rapid re-indoctrination into my old, strange ways. The bathroom door might as well come off its hinges. I’ve got peanut butter and wine; I’m doing JUST FINE.
Over a cup of stale coffee the next morning, with a crunchy-PB and merlot hangover, I begin to remember the significant fears of living alone. Mostly, the horrible ways I could die without anyone knowing. Without further ado, let’s start your weekend off right with a graph I like to call…
ALL THE SINGLE LADIES
For reference, here are the habits I’ve (very quickly) remembered how to do:
- Drink yesterday’s leftover coffee
- Realize you haven’t spoken out loud for the whole morning, and answer the phone with a croak
- Pee with the door open
- Never wear pants – apt is a no-pants zone
- Constantly adjust the temperature settings on your refrigerator, because the first time was your downfall
- Blast the same 3 songs over and over again
- Cleaning, cooking, other chores turn into dance parties that take over the task at hand
- Wonder if there’s a demon or stranger in the next room while I’m sleeping
- A half-full (see what I did there?) bottle of wine will always exist on top of your refrigerator
- Which is good, because it can serve as a weapon for the likely intruders
- Consider making a MacHalo, for a moment
- Eat meals that mainly consist of cheese + a cheese delivery system
- Find a puppy to stalk online and pretend it’s yours
- Realize that making mac & cheese means eating the whole pan of mac & cheese.
- Draw graphs of said behaviors in an attempt to laugh at it all.
What are your single lady habits (whether you’re single or not)? What are the weirdest ways you could die in your apartment? Oh, thats not a fun Friday topic? Am I the only one who thinks of these things? Cool. Ok bye.